1. If you had the choice, which professional athlete would you rather be: A golfer on the PGA tour that hovers around 125-150 on the money list, a solid middle reliever in the MLB, a #4 starter on an MLB team, a 10th man on an NBA roster, or a punter in the NFL?
No question about it - 10th man on an NBA roster. First off, you don't have to play a lot, so there's not much pressure. Really, the most important thing for a 10th man during a game is to not be caught picking your nose or scratching your crotch when the TNT cameras pan by the bench. Second, the NBA league minimum this season is around $440K so, in essence, you'd have the pleasure of hitting a new tax bracket without breaking a sweat (unless you count that night with the triplets in Milwaukee). Lastly, Marko Jaric. Don't know who Marko Jaric is, do you? Not to worry, not many people do. He's a relatively obscure role player on the Memphis Grizzlies who has never once averaged so much as 10 ppg in his six-year NBA career. Why, then, would I pick Jaric? Easy - Marko managed to get himself engaged to Victoria Secret model and world-class hottie, Adriana Lima. I have no idea how he did it, but if this is what life on an NBA bench is all about, sign me up.
2. If the made a movie about Notre Dame football from 1997-2008, what actors would you cast as Bob Davie, Tyrone Willingham, George O'Leary and Charlie Weis? Picture comparisons will be helpful.
While I loved the question, I admit two things - 1) I kind of suck at the "separated at birth" thing and 2) I took some liberties with my choices. BTW, if this movie were to be made, it would probably rival German porn for the most objectionable cinema ever created. Anyway, here are my choices:
- Bob Davie (Billy Bob Thornton): Yeah, I know, they don't look A TON alike but, I'm pretty sure old Billy Bob could pull off the "Aw, shucks" dopeyness of Davie and pronounce "footbaw" with the same irritatating twang.
- Tyrone Willingham (Tim Meadows): Since Willingham was essentially a walking SNL character anyway, I think it would be appropriate for "Ladies Man" Tim Meadows to take a crack at "Ty Willingham: Molder of Men, Loser of Games." As an added bonus, Meadows might be the only person whose career since 2000 has been more disappointing than Willingham's.
- Peter Graves (George O'Leary): This selection is based entirely on hair.
- Art Donovan (Charlie Weis): Let's forget for a second that NFL Hall-of-Famer, Art Donovan is 31 years older than Weis and, you know, not an actor. The beefy (let's face it, fat) physique, the gruff demeanor, the crew cut...this guy IS Charlie Weis!
When I really thought about it, I could only think of one orange thing, remotely associated with football, that I truly loved - Hooters shorts. There is really nothing better than drinking some beers, eating some wings (also, kind of orange) and awkwardly eye-banging the elementary ed. major working your section. In spite of having all the unseemly discomfort of strip clubs with none of the unclothed payoff; Hooters rates high on the list of places to watch a game and the shorts are a huge reason why.
- Kegs and cases of beer
- Mixers (including bloody mary mix)
- A banner
- A beer pong table
- The Greatest Playlist of All Time
What else do we need? What else would you bring? How can we make this tailgate any better?
19th Century New York street gang. For one thing, they'd be bring you street cred and authenticity as they are, in so many ways, the original Fighting Irish. Beyond that, though, there would be practical benefits. Tell me if you have ever had this situation play out at a tailgate. You show up a few hours before the game, find a prime piece of real estate, set up your gear and start enjoying the day. You're grilling, drinking beers, maybe throwing a ball around and then, suddenly, one row over, fans of your team's rival pull in. It immediately gets a little uncomfortable for everyone but, you play it cool and decide to see what happens. About an hour later, they've had enough booze to start chanting for their team or yelling "(your team) sucks!" You're pissed. You want to retaliate violently, but you don't want to spend the day in jail and, more importantly, miss the game. What do you do? You unleash a ragged gang of cleaver and bottle-wielding psychos from the Five Points to sack their tailgate like it was Rome, that's what! Clearly, this has appeal beyond tailgating - the driver that takes your spot at the mall, the guy at work that keeps coming over to ask you questions, the drunk couple at the table next to you when you're out to dinner - there would literally be hundreds of uses for a 19th century NY street gang, but I think tailgating would be the best. Bring plenty of booze, though; those bastards can drink.