Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Get To Know A Fan Base: Michigan Wolverines

With the season upon us, Brawling Hibernian provides the Irish faithful with insight into the fans who will be looking across the parking lot at them each week.
Completely Fake Word That Best Describes Them: Douchetards. Known throughout the college football world for being both "smug" and "dickish," Michigan fans are an unbearable gaggle of Cliffs Notes intellectuals. While they are known to enjoy peppering conversations with quotes from Neruda, Camus and Kierkegaard; in reality, most Michigan fans are barely capable of grasping the plotline complexities in the average Perfect Strangers episode.

"Wait, I'm confused, which one's from Mypos?"
Antithesis (Chief Rival): Ohio State Buckeyes. If ever one needed solid evidence of how badly government wastes taxpayer dollars, they should look no further than the intellectual compost heap these two state colleges produce annually. The game, and its attendant frenzy, further underscore the massive, publically-funded vortexes of doom that are these two schools.
Other than the faint hope of a stadium implosion, there is little to recommend this matchup for non-fans of these programs. The action on the field is typically dull (who doesn't love conservative offenses that occasionally crack 30 points), the level of competition is weak (in recent years, Michigan victories have come with the same frequency as a lunar eclipse) and the melange of vomit, pepper spray and car fires that follow the game can be off-putting to most.
Pop Culture Depiction (Exemplification): Moby. Politically correct, vegan poseur who has incomprehensibly attained fame in spite of making "music" that is one step above cow flatulence in terms of sonic appeal. Moby is the type of insufferable a-hole who always seems to take the empty seat next to you on the train or start chatting you up at a cocktail party. Because of these characteristics (as well as his neo-hipster/boho image), he would fit in nicely amongst the doucherazzi in Ann Arbor.

This man used to sleep with Natalie Portman. BTW, that feeling you're now experiencing is the crushing unfairness of life. Enjoy.

What To Bring To Their Tailgate: Brie and a copy of The New Republic. Neither will actually be used, but you will be viewed as a trendy, fellow traveler with whom the Ann Arborites can freely associate. While there, the following will serve as outstanding icebreakers: the genius of Atom Egoyan, the versatility of arugula and the self-evident awesomeness of thick-rimmed glasses.
Arugula: Is there anything it can't do?

Friendliness Factor (Out of 5): Three. While not terribly warm, fans of the Wolverines are incredibly vain and will seek out anyone they haven't yet bored with anecdotes about sustainable energy or how underrated Richard Dawkins is. Though it's questionable as to whether this compulsion technically qualifies as "friendliness," it's likely enough to cause you to endure time with a UMer.

1 comment:

Big Boutros said...

I only quote Kant, motherfucker. And camembert beats the shit out of brie for a tailgate. Any moron knows this.