Friday, July 31, 2009

Get To Know A Fan Base: Nevada Wolf Pack

With a new season just around the corner, Brawling Hibernian provides the Irish faithful with insight into the fans who be looking across the parking lot at them this year.

Completely Fake Word That Best Describes Them: Gamblors. Since the University of Nevada is located in Reno (city motto: "Fleecing and Debauching Midwesterners Since 1914"), it's only natural their fans would be imbued with a gaming spirit. So tied to games of chance are Wolf Pack fans that, until 1979, the university's mascot was "Francis", an anthropomorphic slot machine wielding a tire iron.
When not rooting for their beloved Wolf Pack, Nevada fans can be found selling organs (often taken from wayward tourists) in order to fund their massive and untreated addiction. In fact, Reno's economy is based almost entirely on organ trafficking and dinner theater.

Sure, it looks gruesome, but it's still better than Gary Coleman in 'Guys and Dolls'

Antithesis (Chief Rival): Officially, it's the UNLV Rebels but, in actuality, the answer is propriety. Playing Gomorrah to Vegas' Sodom, Reno is a city steeped in the dark arts of human decadence. As such, Nevada fans instinctively gravitate toward the seamier side of life. Among their favored forms of entertainment: chimpanzee knife fights, puma sodomy and Yahtzee (which, in Reno, involves murdering drifters).

In spite of how it may sound, chimpanzee knife fights are actually rather elegant affairs

Pop Culture Depiction (Exemplification): Deputy Travis Junior. Who better to epitomize a Nevada Wolf Pack fan than one of Reno's Finest? With his love of guns, porn and classic southern rock, Deputy Junior would feel right at home among the denizens of Mackay Stadium. More importantly, his ubiquitous kevlar vest would protect him nicely from most of the small arms fire erupting from the beerquila-fueled mayhem taking place during post-game tailgating.

Who were you expecting? George Will?
What To Bring To Their Tailgate: Meth...and lots of it. Chasing the white dragon is to Nevada tailgating what tossing a football in jorts is to SEC fans. Throughout the WAC, Wolf Pack fans have long been noted for their crazed, vacant stares and frenzied sexual compulsion. As a result, the tailgating scene in Reno can best be described as Shaun of the Dead meets Caligula.
Just like burgers and brats...if they could be injected into the rectum and resulted in three day murder sprees.
Friendliness Factor (Out of 5): Two. While Nevada fans will get down with anyone, their demons really hurt their score here. Losing a kidney to organ theft, being clipped by handgun fire and being violated by meth-crazed zombies can all get in the way of a good time (unless you're into zombies). Moreover, none of these things exactly reeks of friendliness. As a result, Wolf Pack fans rate but a lowly "Two" on our scale.

1 comment:

Patrick H said...

That's some poor journalism! I wasn't sodomizing that puma. I was using it as a condom.