Sunday, September 7, 2008

Brawling Hibernian's Factually Suspect Guide to the Michigan Wolverines

As the ne'er-do-wells from Ann Arbor prepare to make their way south to face off against the Irish, Brawling Hibernian offers Notre Dame fans a helpful guide to their very strange neighbors to the north:

  • Scholars have long debated the origins of the name "Michigan". While some feel it is Chippewa for "Ohio State is my overlord", others contend it is actually Ottawa Indian for "faux intellectuals who quote Camus while sipping lattes".
  • The wolverine is actually a type of weasel. That is all.
  • New Michigan head coach Rich Rodriguez first became a Wolverines fan when he met former coach Bo Schembechler in 1985 on the set of gay porn epic, "The Power and the Glory(Hole)". At the time, the two worked as fluffers for star 'Bone Malone' and formed an immediate bond.
  • In addition to his many football-related accomplishments, famed Wolverines coach Fielding Yost is credited with having invented the practice of sexual harassment through his habit of showing his genitals to office staff, members of the clergy and neighborhood children.

"I'm not wearing any pants"
  • Michigan cheerleaders can do this (What? It's not all bad):

"So, I see that you're limber and dumb as a rock - wanna grab a drink?"

  • Michigan running back Sam McGuffie was a founding member of noted boy band Ballz Deep. Sadly, the band was forced to break up in 2006 in the wake of a scandal involving McGuffie, a 13-year old girl and an Orange Julius machine at the mall in which the band was performing.
McGuffie (on right) and bandmate Brian "Da Shizzle" McKenna in happier times.
  • 1991 Heisman Trophy winner, and Michigan alum, Desmond Howard, died tragically in 2002 after he ingested a large quantity of ceiling insulation which he had mistaken for cotton candy. In 2005, an animatronic Howard, designed by the Walt Disney Company, began appearing on ESPN's College Gameday as an homage to the fallen Wolverine. A remarkable facisimile, the Desmobot 2.6 has a full range of motion and a vocabulary of 300 words. This represents a nearly 78-word improvement over the actual Desmond Howard.

Hopefully that will help the unindoctrinated get a feel for the Wolverines and all they represent. Did I miss anything? Are there other important, and factually suspect, Michigan facts I missed? Let me know in the comments section.

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