Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Brawling Hibernian's Factually Suspect Guide to the Purdue Boilermakers

Last week, I skipped "Brawling Hibernian's Factually Suspect Guide to..." Last week, the Irish lost their first game. Message received, fate; I won't let it happen again.
On Saturday, Notre Dame will take on their in-state rival, the Purdue Boilermakers. Purdue is a school deeply shrouded in mystery. Of course, by "deeply shrouded in mystery", I clearly mean, "is a culturally-devoid hole that no right thinking person would ever waste a neuron wondering about." Admittedly, this makes the job of finding interesting things about Purdue rather difficult. Lucky for you, dear reader, I persisted and, in doing so, uncovered the following:

  • Caught up in the era's zeitgeist, in 1997, former Purdue quarterback Drew Brees had beloved South Park character, Mr. Hankey, tattooed on his right cheek. To this day, he is the only player in NCAA history to ever be adorned by a fecal cartoon character.

"Howdy ho!!!"

  • For years, Purdue has claimed that the large drum it carted onto the field during football games was the "World's Largest Drum." Upon learning of this, in 2007, the citizens of Kathmandu, Nepal (owners of the ACTUAL world's largest drum), immediately filed suit over use of the name. In addition to a cease and desist order, the court also immediately ordered Purdue to pay restitution in the form of 100 of the school's finest female students, as cattle is considered sacred in Hindu culture.

Moove over Purdue drum...

  • Upon graduating in 1981, Purdue drum major and valedictorian, Thomas Lee Bass, headed to Los Angeles, CA to pursue dreams of stardom. After being introduced to lipstick, foundation and the simple joy of home movies, Bass finally found success as both a musician and film star under the pseudonym, "Tommy Lee."
"Give it up for hepatitis C!!!!"

  • In 2006, members of the Purdue football team made history when they became the first NCAA team ever to be given a pictorial for men's magazine, Jocks and Cocks.

My apologies if your Google search brought you to a college football blog in error.
  • In 2005, as part of their effort to improve Purdue's overall aesthetics, the School of Agriculture was able to successfully clone a team of five attractive females using only hair and silicone. Sadly, just weeks later they were killed by a stampede of highly jealous Purdue co-eds.

Pour a little out for what might have been...

  • In 1997, The Simpsons set a scene in the episode, "Homer's Phobia" on famed Purdue club, The Anvil.

"We work hard, we play hard..."

So there are your six highly suspect "facts" about Purdue University. It is my sincere hope that this helps Notre Dame fans feel even more assured of their superiority over the lessers in West Lafayette. Go Irish, beat Boilermakers!

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